imsoalone's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- grandpa? My grandpa died on Sunday (the 22nd) morning. It didn't really affect me that much until last night. I guess I just didn't really believe it. I was in denial. But last night was the visitation and that really pounded it in, I think. He was lying in a casket, looking so pale and frail and gaunt... not at all like my grandpa. I couldn't even go up close to it. It was too much for me. I think I thought that if I didn't actually see him dead, then it wouldn't actually be true. I don't know what it is about grief that makes me think like a small child. Today, at the funeral, I actually did go near him, and got a good look at his face. He still did not look like my grandpa. Maybe it was because he didn't have his glasses on, or it was simply the paleness/frailness, I'm not sure. But it did not look like my grandpa. I didn't think I would cry at the funeral, but I did. A lot. I cried because I was remembering all the wonderful times I had with him and all the memories were flooding my head. I also cried because I have never seen my grandma as weak or frail as she was today. I have never seen her cry or even sad. She (as well as the rest of that side of the family) believes that showing emotion is a weakness. But today she was crying and shaking, and when it was her turn to be at the casket, she stood there for 5-10 minutes just talking to him. I couldn't hear her, no one could, but it was heartwrenching just to watch it. I can't even imagine what she is going through. They were married for 58 years. I am happy, however, that my grandpa lived to be 83 years old and he led a very full, active, productive life. I am also happy that he will no longer suffer from poor health. He had cancer, and I know he has been miserable for the past 2 years or so, so at least that is over for him. These are small comforts, but they are comforts at least. However, I am still mostly sad. But that is okay, because I should be sad. 11:06 p.m. - 10.26.06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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